And so here it is, the match report. Rumours of its release have been going on for days, nearly weeks some critics calling it probably the most eagerly anticipated match report of all time. Living in the technical dark ages and a modern stock take (ask Chris) have affected the release date and built the hype that I'm not sure I can live up to but we shall give it a go.

How did I become the author of such a much publicised match report I hear you ask?
We'll it all began on a cold wet night on the outskirts of Ellesmere Port many many moons ago. I was sat in unfamiliar surroundings in a changing room far far away (the one round the corner) pondering how on earth I was going to make it through this footy match and then go straight to work. And with these thoughts going round in my head Andy must have seen a glint in my eye as he thrust captaincy upon me, cheers. So having quickly reviewed the picking board and winning the toss we had ascertained I now had first pick with their being sides, or were there.........

Halfway through we realised that young nick had been put on the board twice so we had to remove him, which sparked furious outrage at the mystical powers of the 'picking board' as young nick went missing halfway through the actual game too, coincidence?!?!...... If I'd known about these powers at the time i probably would have stamped on hacketts piece and given woodsys a little shirt pull just for a bit of pay back.

Ok so now my first pick didn't look so appealing as Chris would now be gifted an extra man but I was undeterred as I knew my masterful picking skills would see me through having had a fine pedigree of reaching the duffers cup with consummate ease year in year out.

So finally the game got underway and my mind games started as I cunningly placed my dad in his goal hang position where he's so clinical only this time his job was to stop the goals rather than scores them, which I must add he did so extremely well ( my Christmas list is in the post, cheers dad) this incisive tactical move obviously blew the mind of the ever dependable Kenny as he slightly misplaced a throw which bob ended up miscontrolling leaving the ball to trickle into the open net. I had my back turned at the time too but Kenny assures me this an accurate recollection.

And so after a lot of pressure and nice football from both teams the next 'incident' was occur unfortunately I again was not looking but Kenny was gracious enough to give me the details. A high ball resulted in a large bounce towards Kenny's goal which looked destined to be a 50/50 ball between himself and Richie. Kenny had everything under control until that 'old fat bald c£nt Southern ' jumped into him and physically assaulted him resulting in the ball trickling over the goal line. A stewards inquiry followed some profanity was uttered but the result, a goal to the yellows.

Now the details of the match are starting to get a bit hazy so forgive me for my lack of detail but it has been six days and if you ask woodsy I'm sure he'll give you the hours and minutes too. But I do seem to remember an extremely we'll worked goal by the whites resulting in a finish from the ever classy ' don't take more than two touches or I'll bollock ya' mr sheen. After a close first half the yellows began to pull away in the second with some nice football between Gary, Richie and Andy combined with the whites lack of confidence in bob following the unforgivable own goal.

Another notable goal came from Kenny obviously still perplexed by the position taken up by my dad looked to pass the ball across his box but unfortunately I was able to get on the end of it and place it into the empty net. Cue more profanity from. The whites keeper.

So with 4 goals from Richie and Andy chipping in with another one the game resulted in a 7-3 for my yellow team and has heaped pressure on the second leg where it looks like I might be struggling to make the duffers cup, but if anyone can I can.

So I'll leave everyone with the dilemma do I go for the kill in the next leg or let the man who could hold significant sway on my career back into the match......
Yea that's what I thought, finish him!!!!
So there it is call the papers, phone the prime minister but most importantly let woodsy know.

Man of match- dad for finally working out how to use your hands in goal and to great effect (don't forget my Christmas list)

Dummy of the match- woodsy stop being mean about my match report

And as for the points deduction, take them. If Chris picks like that in the next leg I'll win them bAck anyway........